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4.17.06 - 8.43pm
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My throat is scratchy and it hurts.
Blah.
And I miss my boyfriend.
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3.26.06 - 7.40pm
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I don't even know what to write about.
I've got so much stuff that's filling up my mind right now.
It's all driving me insane.
The spring means that life is no longer about old friends, who you’ve known your whole life,
It's about new ones who were dying to get to know you, but you just never let them in until now.
It's no longer about dying to get his attention; doing everything you could to get him to notice you,
It's about keeping you on his mind so that you’re the only one he thinks about.
It's no longer about secrets and lies between friends who never really knew each other in the first place,
It's about new rivalries that have grown from the seed of that secret.
It's no longer about getting your first kiss, the one that didn’t mean anything to the one who gave it to you, whether you admitted it at the time or not,
It's about wishing he had been it, and how you wish that you had only waited a little bit longer...
It's no longer about wishing you fit in to the new “Scene” that you’ve been thrown into,
It’s about wishing your “friends” knew who you really were on those days when you sit at home in your flannel pants, eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and wishing that you weren’t alone.
It’s about growing up, and growing out of the phase when you believed everything your parents told you, and started realizing that the world isn’t as black and white as you were taught to think.
It’s about realizing that sometimes all we really have is ourselves.
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3.16.06 - 10.19pm
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Speech. It’s what we use in our everyday lives to convey our feelings to the ones we love.
And I Love you.
So why have I found it so hard to speak my mind when it comes to you? Why can’t I find the…
Words. They’re what we use to make a phrase that we can only pray will convey our feelings to the ones we love.
And I Love you.
So why do the words always come out so wrong? They stumble out and fall flatly between us, all the emotion to be conveyed has quickly sunken to the bottom of my feet, and I’m left breathless.
Breath. It’s what we need to get air in our lungs and oxygen to our brains so we can pick ourselves up after being floored by the ones we love.
And I Love you.
So why does it seem like every time you come around me, I’m breathless, and my body can’t stand on its own, and the weight of the world is pushing up from below and my head is spinning, my heart is pounding and throughout my body is this feeling of…
Love. The indescribable, incomprehensible feeling that I get when I think of you.
So why does it feel sometimes, like when my speech wavers, and my words fall, and my breath fails, that my heart has turned black as coal?
Because love itself cannot give you all the answers. It cannot carry you until the end of time, but it will hold your hand forever. Love will show you the height and glory of the mountaintop, but only once you realize that you have to climb there from the valley. Love will show you the way to the top, but it will not tread your path for you, because we all have to make our own mistakes.
When you’ve fallen on your knees, and you have lost the will to go on, Love will NOT give you a free ride to the top, but it will wait with you, cheering you on, never letting you loose that last bit of hope.
And once you’ve finally reached the top, you will realize that the whole time you had been grasping so tightly to the hand of love, that heart, black as coal, had been right between your hands, and had been pressed to its very limits, and had become the diamond of hope that gives you the strength to take the breath to speak the words that become the phrase that makes the speech that we use to convey our feelings to the ones we love.
And I Love you.
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2.28.06 - 9.30pm
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I don't know why that hurt so much.
but man,
ouch.
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2.11.06 - 7.24pm
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"I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
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2.7.06 - 4.29pm
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It's not that I want to be hurt this bad.
I am willing to take the chance.
It's not that I wish that we can be happy together.
I wished that you could be happy- even if you're not with me.
Well....that hurt pretty much....
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1.29.06 - 3.35pm
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Post anything that you want. Anything at all. A story, a memory, a thought, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, a song, a question you want me to answer, you can tell me what you think of me, or something random on your mind - anything.
Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice, or as many times that you'd like, and then cut & paste this into your LJ to see what your friends have to say.
remember to post ANONYMOUSLY!
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1.22.06 - 5.58pm
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Sometimes....
I just don't get you.
I mean really.
What do you want from me?
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1.10.06 - 3.49pm
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POST THIS ANNONYMOUSLY AND GIVE ME:
One secret.
One compliment.
One love note.
Lyrics to a song.
How long we've been friends.
And a hint to who you are.
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12.28.05 - 9.21am
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So I'm sitting at my computer trying to think of something witty to say.
But I can't.
Thinking back, it's times like these that I wish I was back in the sixth grade.
Back before "Boyfriend" ever meant anything other than claiming a purple-haired kid and/or super Sajin.
Back when the only reason you cried was because you didn't get to play "Oregon Trail" in computer class.
Back before you knew what alcohol was, and why it was a really bad thing.
Back before you had to be a part of the "Scene" or no one would like you.
Back when you could have more than one "best friend"
Back when you could sleep at night not thinking about ruining someone's relationship.
Before anyone in your class had had sex, let alone gotten pregnant.
Back when "first kisses" meant a little peck on the lips, and actually meant something to those involved.
Two words: Backstreet Boys
Back when you could get sleep without taking pills that no one knows about.
Back before any of our friends even knew what "Engaged" meant.
Back when no one's parents would even think about laying a hand on them.
Back when we could still trust.
Back when Boys had "cooties".
Back when we didn't even know what "eyeliner" was.
Before we knew how it felt to be alone in a crowded room.
Before any of us fell so hard for one guy, we couldn't even get back up.
Before we cared how much we weighed.
Before "The back of a car" meant that you were mad that someone else got to sit "Up Front"
Back when we vowed NEVER to like boys.
When our parents loved each other.
When Our parents loved us
When our moms would only let us wear CLEAR nail polish.
When spending 4 hours on the phone was routine.
Before "Mid Term Exams"
Before we even knew what "Harvard" and "Yale" were.
When "I like you" was innocent enough.
Before any of us even knew what the phrase "Just friends" meant.
Before we knew just how real death was.
Back when you only threw up when you were sick.
When you were never held responsible for what others had done wrong.
When you would never think of hiding anything from your best friend.
Back when us girls were just DYING to get our first bra.
Back before any guys tried to take it off.
I'm sitting here thinking...I wonder if the little girl I was when I was in the 5th or 6th grade saw me now...and saw what I go through...and how I handle it...I wonder what she would think...I can't help but think she would be disappointed. In who I am, and what I've done.
I don't even know what the purpose of all this was...I guess...that maybe some of you will understand what I mean by this.
Life isn't about boys.
As much as we want to think it is, it's not.
It's not about boys, or the Skatepark, or the complex.
It's not about Sox shows or ASIS shows.
It's not about MCJ or RAG.
It's not about Masters Commission Boys, or Horn Lake boys.
It's not about First smirks or Last smiles.
It's not about baby blues or chocolate browns.
It's not about Gohan or Trunks.
It's not about First boyfriends or the lack thereof.
It's not about Backstreet boys or Linkin Park.
It's not about Best Friends or worst enemies.
It's not about Memphis or Australia or Oklahoma.
It's not about 3:00 or 10:30.
It's not about a good nights sleep or prescription pills.
It's not about "Friends with Benefits" or "Just friends".
It's not about Eyeliner and black clothes.
It's not about Red shirts and blue jeans.
It's not about inside jokes or secrets.
It's not about engagements or break-ups.
It's not about "him or me".
It's not about breaking down or breaking up.
It's not about his new girl for the week or his old flame that he'll never let go.
It's not about your chest size OR your stomach size.
It's not about how well you know me, or how much you don't.
It's not about rides home, or lack thereof.
It's not about you; it's not about me.
It's about everything we've been through, and we've made it this far. I know for one that I haven’t come this far to quit, and I'd be lying if I said I never wanted to give up, and I'd be lying even more if I said there aren't still times that I don't think that I can make it. But then I think about my friends, and I think about God, and I know that I can't just give up now.
I don't know if there was even a point to all of this...but yea, I'm done now. Congratulations if you actually read all of that.
I love you all.
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12.21.05 - 12.51pm
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Don't you love when you go through things that have to remain a secret from everyone?
yea, I don't either.
Just...please pray for me you guys....
pray hard.
"This upcoming winter, will be harder than the last..."
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11.27.05 - 10.30pm
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If this isn't love (This isn't love)
this is the closest I've ever been
Do you think we have a chance tonight
as streetlights sing on Audrey's song [x2]
And now it all stops at this
We could take it all if only we would risk
You can be what can conceive
Red letters kill your disbelief
We all make mistakes sometimes
We all fail but we stand tonight
Look past, learn, and move on
We're all here, you're not the only one
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11.26.05 - 4.14pm
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So this is My New Journal, And It Happens to be:
< >
So Comment To Be added, kthx.
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tealisthenewyou's journal
